NapkinGate

Allegations are flying that the New England Patriots improperly folded the napkins used during their locker-room buffet during the AFC championship game against the Indianapolis Colts. “NFL rules require folding buffet napkins diagonally,” said a league spokesman who refused to remove the paper bag from his head. “The Patriots allegedly folded their buffet napkins perpendicularly.”

Patriots quarterback Tom Brady is known to prefer perpendicularly folded napkins. However, other quarterbacks have their preferences, also. Broncos QB Peyton Manning routinely goes through a pile of napkins before each game, selecting those he prefers.

Some allege that the perpendicularly folded napkins gave the Patriots an advantage in their lopsided victory over the Colts. Colts running back Neverholds DeBallright is quoted as saying, “We had to use them triangle napkins. I got mustard on my jersey.” The mustard is clearly visible in replays of the play where DeBallright fumbled and the Patriots recovered for a touchdown.

Academics were quick to rush in on both sides of the controversy. “There is no difference in the area of the napkin,” stated Joseph Einstein, professor of napkinology at MIT. “Perpendicular folded napkins have a clear advantage, because they don’t have those little inaccessible corners,” rebutted Frank Nobel, chair of the department of Napkin Studies at CalTech.

The allegations are especially troubling because the Patriots are perceived as second-time offenders. “Don’t forget SaladForkGate,” radio personality Jock Fordamoney pointed out, referring to an incident where the Patriots buffet included salad forks that were as large as the entrée forks.

Some fans want extreme measures. ModestProposalXLIX tweeted, “The Patriots should forfeit the game, the Colts should play the Super Bowl, the Patriots should be disbanded, Gillette Stadium should be burned to the ground, and the entire area salted so that nothing ever grows there again.”

The NFL’s ruling on the case is expected sometime within the decade.